Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize