Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
