u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
