I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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