I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
my liver is dry heaving
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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