Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
