Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
