His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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