so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
