Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
