Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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