I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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