ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
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If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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