I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
