he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
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im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
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You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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