I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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