What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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