I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
