my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
