i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
