youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
