I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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