"it" just moved
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize