I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
