How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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