Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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