My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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