We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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