Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
