this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Randomize
