i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
