you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
