How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
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My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
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I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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