So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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