i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
