you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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