I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
