i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
