and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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