# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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