I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You may now shotgun with the bride
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
