I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
