I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
