Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
