I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
