Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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