i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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