Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..