I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize