So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"