Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
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I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
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Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.