how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
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To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
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Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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