So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
