you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
