Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
