I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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