He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
