if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
