You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
