Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize